How do I discuss death with an elderly parent?

Dear Mary: My mother is 90 years old and very ill. Except for having an insurance policy, she has made no plans for her death or burial. I was made her legal guardian but never have dealt with the eventual decisions that will come..

—Sue, Illinois

Dear Sue: If she is able, it's time for you to initiate "that talk" with her.

Ask her lovingly and specifically what her wishes are with regard to her end-of-life planning.

If she has none or is confused and unable to work with you on this, ask her whether she would like you to handle the details. Does she have a recent will? Make sure you find it now in case it needs to be updated.

If she is too ill to be involved, I suggest that you, as her guardian, take steps immediately to make as many decisions as you possibly can while she is still alive.

Start by calling a funeral home and mortuary in your area. You will be relieved to learn just how kind these people are -- and helpful. Simply tell them that you are her guardian, that she is very ill and that you need to speak with a counselor.

He or she will walk you through the process. Have a list of questions written before you call. If you do not understand something, ask the counselor to repeat it until you do. You do not need to make any decisions on the spot. Speak with more than one company to compare pricing and options.

Each state has its own regulations and minimum requirements, which mortuaries must follow. Beyond that, you can spend untold amounts of money -- as fancy and elaborate as you want to go.

And they will want you to upgrade. These are companies that are in business to make money.

So it's like any kind of consumer issue: Beware.

I know from experience, having cared for and buried both of my parents-in-law, that having the grave site determined ahead of time — as well as the type of burial, including the casket and other details -- allows you to make one phone call when death arrives.

The mortuary handles everything between the hospital and cemetery. It was comforting for us and gave us great relief to know that these people were taking care of all the details.

No one cherishes the idea of this kind of talk with one's parents, but it is part of life.

I encourage you to make a call today. The first step will be the hardest. I wish you strength and courage as you walk with your mom through her final days.

As for parents reading this, don't make your kids bring up the subject. Take the initiative now, while you are not dealing with a great deal of emotion.

You can arrange for prepaid services with the service provider of your choice. Or simply write your wishes clearly, including where the funds will come from to cover the costs.

Then tell your kids who, what, where, when and why.

Do you have a question for Mary? E-mail her at mary@everydaycheapskate.com, or write to Everyday Cheapskate, P.O. Box 2135, Paramount, CA 90723.