Mom reads Internet posts about daughter's oral sex

Dear Straight Talk: I checked a link where teenagers ask questions to each other. From what I read, I suspect my 15-year-old daughter is performing oral sex on boys. What is the best way to talk to her about this? — Torrance

Nicole, 20, Arcata: You're in for a rude awakening. In my human sexuality class, we learned that girls are now giving oral sex to boys in sixth grade — before having sex in eighth grade. I hope your daughter knows that one in four teens has an STI. Have her look up oral herpes online.

Scot, 23, San Luis Obispo: Just as the medium soda used to be a large, so has oral sex become the modern goodnight kiss. It's considered a consolation prize to intercourse. It's not uncommon to read Internet posts like: "He bought me that expensive dinner, so I gave him oral sex."

Lisa, 22, Sacramento: A friend got caught and had to write a paper on it. Not that it cured her. I had oral sex before real sex, and I was definitely too young at 15 — but I knew lots who had already done it.

Rachel, 18, Fair Oaks: Oral sex is often considered "safe" sex. It is also considered a way to keep your virginity. Your daughter needs to know that almost every STI can be contracted by mouth — and that guys will respect her for saying no. Outside a committed relationship, oral sex can be emotionally heartbreaking and hurt your reputation.

Delaney, 18, Auburn: This guy at a party was like, "Let's have sex." When I said no, he said, "Will you at least give me oral?" I was disgusted, but most girls give in, including friends of mine. It's a common hook-up activity, performed most always by the girl. If a girl requests it, she is usually laughed at. I'm in a committed love relationship where it's more equal. But it's sad that sex and oral sex aren't often acts of love anymore.

Liz, 17, Sacramento: I did this the first time at 15. It's quite common. It wasn't something my parents talked to me about, but it would be great to discuss it with your daughter. If you don't have good communication with her, invite her to talk to a doctor. Kids definitely don't consider it real sex, but it's equally dangerous for STIs.

Catherine, 22, Amherst, Mass.: Be honest with her. State your concerns, offer health information, an ear and, if you're comfortable, condoms. Many teens feel pressure from the media and friends to move quickly in sexual relationships. They need to know they are never obligated to do anything.

Molly, 18, Fair Oaks: Avoid an angry or blaming attitude. If you are reasonable (from her perspective), instead of "just a reactive parent," she'll more likely tell the truth. You can't control her choices, but creating a space where she feels comfortable talking to you increases your chances of influencing her.

Dear Torrance: Now that you've had your crash course from our field experts, I hope you will be less reactive and more constructive. Sexual mores have definitely loosened — across all age groups. Nonetheless, most sexually active girls are not morally bankrupt. They are just trying to feel loved.

Of the panelists who admitted to oral sex, I would be happy to have any of them as my daughters — and some have come a long way precisely because of loving family and mentors. Talk to your daughter directly, with loving concern: "Honey, I'm not mad, I'm worried." Show her the Internet posts and this column.

Promiscuity generally results from low self-esteem. Girls truly believe boys won't like them otherwise. The more you value her (yes, this includes raising expectations and tightening boundaries), the more she will value herself.

Lest you think after reading today's column that every teenager engages in the "modern goodnight kiss," please calm down. While oral sex is more common, less shameful and occurs at younger ages than even the recent past, the only really solid sex study is from Guttmacher Institute with data limited to 2006.

Other recent surveys tend to be media-originated and use sloppy data-gathering methods, and I suspect their main purpose is to increase ratings. An infamous sensationalism was the "rainbow party" publicized on the "Oprah Winfrey Show" in 2003, which created panic among parents and was only later learned to be false.

What is fact is that the average kid starts viewing pornography at age 11. Today's sexual revolution is definitely driven by Big Porn. The industry influences some girls to put out in formerly unthinkable ways — and for some boys to expect that. Yet for all this conditioning, I've never met a morally bankrupt teen. Boundary-less, yes, but not bankrupt.

The more children are valued at home, the less they need to prove they are lovable — or studly — elsewhere. Teens crave open, safe, non-judgmental dialogue about these topics with parents and mentors. It really is the best way to influence them. And if you don't do it, Big Porn will.

Lauren Forcella co-writes Straight Talk with a panel of 30 teens and young adults. To ask a question or become a panelist, click www.StraightTalkForTeens.com or write to P.O. Box 963, Fair Oaks, CA 95628.