Girl thinks she's bisexual; Mom isn't so sure

Dear Straight Talk: My 15-year-old daughter, "Amy," has never had a boyfriend nor kissed a boy. Recently, she told me she thinks she is bisexual. She says she is confused because she likes boys but none like her — and she likes her friend who is a girl.

Amy receives regular compliments on how beautiful she is, but because of self-esteem issues, she considers herself ugly and overweight, which she is not. My suspicion is that Amy has told others she is bi and now has this label.

Could that be why she's never had a boyfriend? Also, how can she say she's bi if she's never been with a boy? I'm trying to be understanding. How should I best respond to this? — Amy's mom, Tuscon, Ariz.

Mariah, 16, Collinsville, Okla.: My friend's older sister was lesbian in high school, then went bi and now is married to a man and has two kids. Lots of teens label themselves bi, lesbian or gay. For some, it's real; for many, it's a phase. And yes, calling herself bi could explain why boys aren't interested.

Farren, 21, Redding: Maybe she's bi, maybe she isn't. Some bisexuals, lesbians and gays know their sexual orientation at a young age and don't need a partner to realize it. Like love, sexual orientation has many meanings and differs for everyone.

It's possible your daughter's self-esteem plays a part. You just have to be supportive and communicative, give her room to grow, pick her up if she falls down. I'm truly impressed that you are close enough that she shares this with you — and that you are reaching out for help.

Dominic, 21, San Luis Obispo: Bisexuality is often a trend, not a true sexual orientation. Based on your description, I think Amy has self-esteem issues masking as confusion over sexual orientation.

Megan 19, Boston: At 15, things are probably confusing because Amy's friends are hooking up with boys, making it seem so easy. I didn't hook up with a boy until junior year, and my friends joked that maybe I was lesbian. Even though I knew I wasn't, it stung.

It's possible Amy feels left behind and so she assumes she has a problem — or might be bi. But be careful, because maybe she is bi and is trying to be honest with you. Don't approach Amy with labels. That's negative. Just accept her for her. That will help her figure out who she really is.

Dear Amy's mom: The essential question for 15-year-olds is "Who am I?" Bamboozling this age group with conservative or liberal spin on big questions like sexuality can be counterproductive. Your already-loving approach with Amy, combined with real information, will be most helpful.

For instance, brain research at Northwestern University shows that, unlike males, most females (whether heterosexual or lesbian) register arousal when viewing either heterosexual or lesbian sex. In other words, most female brains have what is called a bisexual arousal pattern.

So why, if most women have this bisexual arousal pattern, do most orient heterosexually? The study doesn't answer this, but in my opinion, this is where socialization and self-esteem enter the picture.

Today, girl-girl action is common in movies and pornography (which many teens watch, and almost all have seen). Add low self-esteem and/or a feeling of failure with boys to the arousal generated by these images, and a girl could easily orient away from heterosexuality. It would actually be "normal and expected" under the circumstances — and indeed is becoming more and more common.

I suggest you explain this to Amy, read about the study together at http://tinyurl.com /egpg and see our Web site for others. Insist Amy get counseling to help her sort things out (and raise her self-esteem). Keep loving her, keep talking to her and let her switch schools if she can't shake her label.

Lauren Forcella co-writes Straight Talk with a panel of 30 teens and young adults. Write to them at www.StraightTalkForTeens.com or P.O. Box 963, Fair Oaks, CA 95628.