How to start the family talking about money

Do you ever meet as a family to talk about money?

If not, you might think the root of your financial woes is the fact that money is in short supply.

But your financial problems actually may lie in a lack of communication with family members.

That's because everyone has a personal set of values. Conflicts arise when those values differ.

Once you and your family can start talking about your values, you can start making better financial decisions together.

"Values are the basic reasons behind everything we do," says Patrice Dollar, a financial management specialist, in an excellent report published by the University of Georgia Cooperative Extension Service.

The publication, "Family communications about money," indicates that values represent what the "good life" is to each of us.

By knowing your values when it comes to spending and saving money, not only can you understand yourself better, but you also can better understand the values of other family members.

Dollar says that the first step is to determine what is important to you.

She suggests starting with these questions:

• Do you want to have children? How large a family would you like? Are you prepared for the financial respon- sibilities of a family?

• Are you satisfied with your job? How happy are you with your salary? How do you feel about both spouses working outside the home? Would you move for a job advancement? Would you move for your spouse's job advancement?

• Would you prefer to rent or own a home? Can you afford to furnish it as you'd like?

• Could you get along with one car? What about your family? Would you be willing to join a car pool? Could you drive less than you do currently? Would you be satisfied with a smaller car?

• What do you do for recreation? Would you be satisfied spending less on recreation and hobbies?

• Are you comfortable buying on credit? How important is savings to you? Have you started to plan for retirement? How would you provide for your family in case of a death or disability?

Beware that the values of family members are apt to conflict. So you'll need to talk about them until you reach a consensus.

How to do this?

She suggests following these guidelines:

• Be honest about your finances. Our suggestion: Bring a budget sheet to the family meeting, so that everyone knows how much money the family has and exactly where it's going. There's an excellent budget worksheet at the National Foundation of Credit Counseling website at www.nfcc.org. Also, bring a calculator to help figure by how much the saving and spending of each family member will change.

• Understand that each family member will have different values and goals.

• Be prepared for conflicts. Deal with these by using "I" messages, such as "I think…, I feel". Avoid appearing critical of other family members by starting your sentences with, "You…"

• State your wants, needs, feelings and thoughts. Let family members do the same.

• Pick just one subject to talk about at a time and don't rush anyone.

Chances are today, many of your family discussions may deal with cutting debt and building savings. To do this, family members must understand they may have to give up certain things for the long-term benefit of the family.

Agreeing on these issues not only can help financially, but it also can strengthen your family's bond.

Spouses Gail Liberman and Alan Lavine are syndicated columnists. Their latest book is "Quick Steps to Financial Stability" (Que/Penguin). You can contact them at www.moneycouple.com.