DEAR ABBY: My 40-year-old son has been in a volatile on-again, off-again relationship with a woman who has physically and emotionally abused him repeatedly. He’s an Iraq War veteran with issues of his own, including a previous marriage and messy divorce from a narcissistic woman. They share custody of two grade school-age children. The current woman has grown children, plus a pre-teen boy (with issues also). The last time they split up, my husband made it clear that she would never be welcome in our home again because of her violent temper. We don’t condone that behavior.
Our son has now decided he thinks he “loves her.” He wants us to give our blessing, including having her in our home and being one big happy family. We are sure this “reunion” will come with her assurances that she has changed, and it will never happen again.
Abby, we want our son to be happy, but we recognize that a leopard doesn’t change her spots. We also don’t want our young grandchildren in a toxic environment again. What should we do? Please don’t tell me he needs to go to counseling because he says he is. Help!– SEEING CLEARLY IN NEW YORK
DEAR SEEING: When you stated that your son is asking you for your blessing, including having this woman in your home and being one big happy family, did he mean LIVING there with you? If that’s not the case, you can bless it, but your answer should be no if it means they will live under your roof. It would be healthier for all of you if they have living arrangements of their own. That way, you can see her only when she is on her good behavior, and if she backslides, the drama won’t be in your home. The added bonus is that your son will have a refuge if he needs it. (I’d give anything to know how his therapist views this.)